May. 10th, 2015

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I miss my grandmother. Sometimes I write poetry, I can't speak as to the caliber of the words, but it comes from the heart. So here is something I wrote about my grandmother (who died of complications of Alzheimer's). How do I miss that woman some days. Today is one of those days. Happy Mother's Day, Nana - you're missed.
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Remembering to Forget
by C. R. Rice

It’s not that I don’t miss you,
It’s that seeing your face hurts me so much,
So I hide all your photographs away,
And remembering your voice stabs at my heart,
So I keep those sounds at bay.
It’s not like I have a choice and it seems so dark,

Because I keep remembering that I’m forgetting,

And I wonder if that’s how you felt sitting,
With us by your side but not admitting,
And we fought so much just for nothing,
And God I miss when you were yelling,
How I’d give anything to hear that just one more time,
Because I never thought you wouldn’t be here,
You just marched on like a solider,
Even up to your last moments,
You fought and clawed until your last breath left,

Because I keep remembering that I’m forgetting,

And you tried to say something to us,
And that haunts me most because you weren’t silent,
But couldn’t speak or laugh or cry,
And I should have noticed so much sooner,
That something wasn’t right with you,
And I’ll carry that guilt until I die,

Because I keep remembering that I’m forgetting,

So here I am in your house writing,
You left it to Mom but it’s still your house,
And I pretend sometimes that you’re calling,
Hearing your voice in utter silence,

Because I keep remembering that I’m forgetting,

And I can’t sleep at night because I hear you crying,
In the living room where you lay dying,
How I wish I could have saved you,
I would have traded places with you,
I miss you so much,
But you forgot me by the end,
And I told you I loved you and made amends,
But they feel so hollow as I write this,
And the night bird calls back,
Saying don’t cry,
But the tears come any ways,

Because I keep remembering that I’m forgetting,

So I say I love you to empty air,
And hug you but you’re not there,
And I hope you would be so much prouder,
Because I’ve grown up but I’m still louder,
Than other people so it drowns the guilt I feel,
Because I didn’t see what was wrong with you,

Because I keep remembering that I’m forgetting,

And I think it’s killing me,
I smile and let the world pass by my window with a view,
And I’m screaming inside for just one more chance to see,
You dressed in your Sunday blue,
Standing by the door waiting for me,

Because I keep remembering that I’m forgetting,
 
Your smiling face,
And you’re gone,
I feel so out of place,
But I just have to hold on,

Because I keep remembering that I’m forgetting,

And part of me wants to find oblivion,
And the rest says fight on,
And I know you’d tell me to pick myself up and begin again,
And that stays with me even though you’re gone,

Because I keep remembering that I’m forgetting.

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C. R. Rice

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